So, I was talking to my aunt R on the phone this morning. It’s the first conversation we’ve had about me taking testosterone. In fact, besides my trans coming out letter I wrote to her, it’s the first time we have spoken at all about my transition.
Aunt R told me her husband, Uncle M*, was reading my blog. Hi Uncle M!
I have been a bit of a coward–a little timid about bringing up the whole trans thing to my Aunt R. She has always been so sweet to me, really the nicest person in my family, and there are a lot of great people in my family. But I just couldn’t bring myself to say “transgender” or “testosterone” to her on the phone. It skeeved me out. So, I just kept ignoring it. But today, Aunt R called me up and said, “Uncle M has been reading your blog and we just wanted you to know we’re on your side and we love you and just want to give you a big hug.”
HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN AFRAID OF THIS WOMAN?
Surely it’s not my aunt that I was afraid of, it was the fact that it’s no fun discussing your personal gender business with your relatives. I wouldn’t have to do this if nature got it right the first time around, but, well, fiddlesticks! I guess I’m just going to have to put my big boy pants on and be a grown-up about this. I am so glad she brought it up, since I was too busy acting like a child. I feel the air has been cleared a bit, and it’s good to know now that when I see them next, with a deeper voice and looking harrier, they’ll know why. I feel good about this, and ultimately I think the only reason I hesitate to talk to my family about my transition is because I have no practice at it. Also, it is a private matter, and my family is good at respecting each other’s privacy. And I have no idea how much they want to hear about it, so I have been practicing not speaking about it unless I’m asked directly about it, but then I wonder if they don’t bring it up because they think I don’t want to talk about it because I haven’t brought it up…Gah!
So now that I know my uncle M is reading this, I feel the need to clean up my language a bit. And I am suddenly embarrassed by my, ahem, titular choice. But it’s one that was meant to encompass my top surgery journey. At the time of naming this blog I had no idea it would be anything more than a record of that surgery. And so, because it is fitting and evocative (and people like to read the evocative) ultimately, I stand by the title. 😉
But I will try to keep the swears to a minimum.
Be nice to yourselves,
Your Pal Eli
*An aside about my uncle: uncle M used to be a mechanic. For a long time he and my aunt fixed up houses and sold them. My uncle likes Nascar and The McLaughlin Group. He has one of the all time best laughs. He is soft spoken and has good hair. I will someday write a longer post about him, but for now, let’s just say he is a good role model, and if I could be any kind of man, I would want to be one like him.