I went to a wake today.

Yeah, another one.

This one was for a friend, D.E., a work buddy, and a guy that also died too young.  As I sat listening to his family eulogize him, and do a damn fine job of it, really illustrating the complexity of his character, respecting his struggles and highlighting his triumphs, I was reminded again of the limited amount of time we have on this little rock circling the sun.

I am sure I want to start hormone therapy.  I don’t want to wait around for a level of security that can never be obtained.  I am aware of, but not really concerned about, the health risks.  I believe them to be minimal.  Assuming my blood work does not illustrate a high probability of death (which it won’t; that’s not the kind of news you get from that type of blood work), I see no reason other than fear to not transition hormonally.

And let’s bottom line it here: we all die of something, don’t we?  And I would rather die from an authentic life than live another hundred years pretending to be someone I am not.

If there is an afterlife, I don’t want to tip-toe up to those gates in pristine condition and whisper a plea for entrance.

I want to careen in sideways, hubcaps flying, with a busted headlight, kick open the door and say, “Wow, what a ride!”

I respect this body enough to give it what it needs to manifest itself fully.  I respect this life, this one chance at it, enough to try the scary stuff.  D.E. might not have lived long, but he sure, as one eulogizer put it, “crammed a lot into his life.”

I wanna pack mine full.  So let’s try this “being the dude I was born to be” thing.

Fuck it.  I only live once, right?

Be nice to yourselves,
Your Pal Eli

So long, D.E.  We’ll kick it up at IML this year in your honor.

2 thoughts on “Converse

  1. Love this. This clarified for me when I imagined being myself 30-40 years from now, when any of the health stuff is more likely to actually be an issue. So, say I don’t do it, I will have been wondering the whole entire time if I should have, and I’m pretty sure I’ll just wish I’d just done it already, and all that time, my hesitation would have been in order to protect that 65 year old version of me. Good luck.

    • Well said. I am still going to investigate all the health pro and cons, weigh my options, make an informed decision, exercise and eat well and go to my therapist, continue to monitor my health in all the ways possible, and in the end, cross my fingers and hope for the best. 😉

      Oh yeah, and try to enjoy my life, too.

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