From Medalie’s office, and notarized:
Discuss: how do I feel about this?
I am glad to have this letter, in my pocket, in case I decide to go ahead with the gender marker switch from F to M. But I am not so sure I feel like an M. Let’s talk about my irrational fear of changing said marker, then suddenly, and for the first time in my life, being arrested and thrown in general population incarceration in a male prison. I would undoubtedly get my ass raped off.
K, by way of assuaging my fears, reassured me I would get my ass raped off in female prison too. Thanks, darling.*
She also points out this fear is likely covering for some more rational fear, about not seeing myself as male. And that is it, I don’t see myself as male. I round to male for the sake of society, but I am not yet ready to round on legal documents. I’m still in the process of changing my name legally, and while it might be easier to do it all at once, well, I’m just not ready, and I’ll be damned, if after three decades of hiding my tranny ass**, I’m going to start rushing now.
Let’s talk about my other concerns:
– I just had surgery a month ago, and I feel like taking this transition one step at a time, especially since these steps are irreversible (surgery), or a huge pain the the ass to reverse (name change and gender change on legal documents).
-I’m not even out to all my family as trans.
-I’m not on T, and on some level, that makes me feel that I don’t have a right to claim male status. That I am not a “real” man.
I came across this on Joe’s Transition: “I identified as genderqueer for awhile after coming to the realization that I was gender variant. To this day I still have a hard time feeling like I’m ‘a man.'” And this, from a person who sports some sweet facial hair and goes by the name Joe.
This bit from Joe made me feel better, like I could go on T, I could change my name, I could look to the world like a man, but still see myself somewhere in the middle. And it also made me think about how the reverse is true: I can feel like a man, be a man, without T. Which means, if it’s right for me, there is no reason to not change my gender marker.
I’m going to sit on it for a while, think about it. It’s funny to consider how this process might be so different if I was in my 20’s: if I was 24, and out as trans, I think I would be rushing to the endocrinologist, gleefully and defiantly changing my gender marker and name. But now, in my old(er) age, I am more reflective about it. Maybe I’m easer to scare now, maybe I’m more mature, whatever the reason, it just doesn’t feel right to skip off to the DMV to get a new ID, complete with new gender.
Or is this “new” gender really the old gender, the authentic gender, the original that has been denied for so long it now feels, in light of my honest acknowledgment of it, suspicious?
Be nice to yourselves,
Your Pal Eli
*But she’s right, you know. I might be tough on the outside, but those bitches*** would eat me alive.
**Please don’t be offended, I’m just spouting off some dumb shit on my blog and am using the term “tranny” in playful way, in reference to myself only.
***I mean this in a respectful way, as in tough as nails. As in, a strong character.