A Mourning

I feel very sad just now that I can’t put my breasts on someone else’s body.  They are pieces of living flesh, and they have done nothing wrong to me, and it makes me deeply sad they will be tossed out with the rest of the biohazard materials and rot in some hole in the ground somewhere.

I don’t regret my decision, but I feel very bad that they are ending their lives this way.  I wish I could bury them under a tree or something.  I wish they didn’t have to be wrapped in something synthetic for all of eternity.  I wish I could apologize to them.  I wish they could forgive me.

Be gentle, too,
Your Pal Eli

14 thoughts on “A Mourning

    • Yes, it is good to pause and think about the ramifications of the surgery. But for me, this sadness was not a reason to not move forward.


    • Thanks.

      I am trying to think about it like trimming my fingernails or cutting my hair. I don’t get all weepy then, but I am sad now. I know these are vastly different treatments, but I am trying to put this tissue in the same perspective as the other tissues I shed over my life.

      I am saying goodbye to this tissue over the next week, and accept this part of the process.


  1. I would like to think that they know they don’t belong with you. They are just as uncomfortable on your body as you are having them. And although they are sad about this bittersweet moment that is approaching, they are excited to be laid to rest so that you can all be free.

    I will be thinking of you over the next week.

    • Thank you. It occurs to me that I don’t know what to call you: do you have an internet alias, or have I missed your first name somewhere on your blog? I could keep calling you by the name of your blog, but it feels a bit strange.

      In any event, thanks so much for your sentiment. And I will really appreciate your thoughts in the coming week.


      • My first name is Karen. I don’t use my kids’ names in case my son decides he does not want to be “out” when he’s older, but there are enough Karens in the world that i feel safe sharing that. Take care, Eli. BTW you look very handsome in that suit!

  2. Intellectually, I can see how some people might very well mourn the loss of breasts, as you are now doing. But reading your post made me realize that in my case, I only ever think of them in terms of tumors, of growths to be removed. I see tits every day at work (I’m an ER nurse) and they ALWAYS look like tumors to me. They just seem like a defect. And I know that probably the majority of females like their breasts and would think that my not having them (after top surgery) is the real defect. I really can’t see myself feeling any loss or mourning prior to top surgery, but time will tell. Good luck with your surgery and with saying goodbye to them.

    • I suppose my sadness comes from them not causing me any biological harm, they are innocent bystanders in my quest to be more fully myself. They are not benign or threatening me with a gun. They are just in the way, and I wish they didn’t have to die for me to live.

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