I feel that I have reflected and reconsidered and critiqued my choice to have top surgery pretty thoroughly. I have started a blog for it; I have seen a therapist. I have come out to my loved ones as trans and continue to explore my gendered identity. And so it should come as no surprise to me that, on the topic of my top surgery, I have run out of steam for posts. I think I have talked about it long enough, and so I feel good that the surgery is now only two weeks away. I feel that I have analyzed it beyond the likeness of a beaten horse, and left no tit unturned. I will of course have plenty to say after surgery, but as for the theoretical and philosophical aspects of top surgery before surgery, I’ve got not much left to say.
But this blog is called My Life with Tits, and so I want to take a little time now to reflect on what that title means to me, as my time as being a tit-bodied adult is coming to a close.
My life with tits has been about fear (induced by negative conceptions of femininity, and the inappropriate assumptions made about my own gender by others living outside of my head) and anxiety (the acting out of that fear in my daily mental processes). It has been about jealousy (of men’s chests, and male identity) and shame (of my own identity as female, when I knew female was not the right identity for me). I accomplished many things with tits, the likes of which I will not list here, but I have lived a life (so far) that is one worth being proud of. I look forward to accomplishing many things without tits.
I don’t know where this surgery will lead me. But that it will lead me somewhere is a new idea and one that is both exciting and scary. I don’t know if I will someday look back at top surgery as the first surgery. I don’t know if it will be the closure I have thought of it as, the thing that ties together the loose ends of my identity, or if it will act as a catalyst for more change. I don’t know if this surgery is the deep end, or the diving board.
I love the people, the community, the interactions I have had online because of my ability to finally be honest with myself about myself. You guys reading this have taught me to trust myself, to honor myself, and to love myself. I have many good friends in the non-internet world that teach me these things too. But you online friends, you guys are privy to my innermost gender thoughts, and you accept me anyway. Thank you for encouraging me, and supporting me, and convincing me I am worth all this work.
It is t-minus two weeks and counting. I am ready. I am scared. I cannot be sure this is the right decision. But I am as sure as I can be, and I am supported and loved, by others and by myself.
Be nice to yourselves,
Your Pal Eli