So my pronouns are a point of contention lately. Previously, I have stated I was content with feminine pronouns. That’s no longer true. I’m not even sure it was true at the time I stated it. The thing is, I want to try to be content with my identity before I go changing it. I wanted a female chest to be enough, but it wasn’t, and never was. And the more I look at my gender identity, the more I uncover parts of it I am unhappy with.
And so the pronouns need a good squinting at.
I don’t like female pronouns. Period. I wanted to be okay with them because they make the most sense to those around me, and so I am able to avoid confrontation. Using male pronouns, or rather, merely rejecting female pronouns puts my identity and its “other” status front and center. People may miss my missing tits, but they can’t avoid my non-traditional pronoun choice, whatever it may be. And this scares me a little bit. But I didn’t start this blog, am not getting this surgery, to start tiptoeing now.
So I consider my options: female is out. So it’s male pronouns, the singular “they,” or no pronouns at all. I’m not considering the gender neutral ze, as it sounds archaic and not at all like english. To my ear it is a kind of foreign I don’t feel comfortable claiming, nor is it very functional.
The “plural they?” Sorry friends, I didn’t get a Masters Degree in English to turn my back on its rules, rules that I find sometimes frustrating but still love. There is no singular they in English: they is always plural, and confusing as hell in a conversation when we try to make it singular in usage: “Eli went to the store; they’ll be back in a half hour.”
“Who did Eli go with?”
So male pronouns turn out to be my practical, best option. But I have to fess up: they also turn out to be my preference. I like being called he, and feel he fits my identity most closely of all the pronoun choices. This choice will ruffle some feathers, yes, and will out me as trans in almost every conversation, but isn’t that kind of the point? There is a lot of push and pull in coming out, be it as trans or as gay or as a Twilight fan. You want to hold on to the the ease of your pervious identity, but living an easy life is not always living an honest life. If I’m being honest with myself, then I am, as I have said in the past, much more masculine than feminine. So there you have it, I am a trans man.
That wasn’t so hard now, was it?
Be nice to yourselves,
Your Pal Eli