Coming Out, Again

Hey Mom,

I am writing you today to tell you about some important and exciting changes coming up for me.  I wanted  to tell you about them in a letter because I think these things will be easier to understand and process in this format.  A letter lets you think about what I am saying without being put “on the spot” or feel pressured to respond.  Just sit back and enjoy the read! 🙂

You know I have always been a tomboy–always been interested in sports and playing outside rather than playing with dolls or having tea parties inside.  I loved going fishing with Grandpa when I was little, and always wanted to do everything he was doing.  So as you watched me grow up, and saw how “boyish” I was, I remember you telling me it was no surprise to you when I told you I was gay.  And I am eternally grateful that you have always been so supportive of me, never judged me or abandoned me.  I have always felt loved by you, and that is something lots of gay kids can’t say about their parents and their reaction to their sexual orientation.  So thank you, mom, for always loving me.

Well, just like I never wanted to date boys, never wanted to wear dresses, I have never been really comfortable in this body I was born in. Remember the wishing well at East China Inn?  Remember I wished I was a boy?  Well, that has always been in the back of my head–I’ve never felt really comfortable or right being a girl.  And for most of my life, wearing pants, and playing sports and dating girls has been enough for me.  As I have gotten older I have come to know more about myself through my own reflection and through therapy.   And while I used to think that the way I inhabited my body was “enough,” that I was content enough to wear boys clothes and watch football on t.v. and have a butch attitude, it’s not enough anymore.  It’s not me, it’s not who I really am, and I don’t want to pretend anymore.   I want to be myself honestly and fully.  And to do that, I can’t stay in this body the way it is right now.

I am planning on having what is commonly referred to as “top surgery.”  This means I am going to have my breasts removed in order to have a more male-looking, flat chest.  But I do not consider myself  “male.”  I am transgendered in that I see my gender not as girl or boy, but as a little of both, and it has always been this way, but it has taken me a long time to figure that out, to accept that part of myself.

When I was a kid, when I made that wish at East China Inn, yes, I did think I was a boy.  It was very hard for me as a little one to try and reconcile the way my mind thought with the way my body looked.  I was a boy in my brain but a girl in my clothes.  That was very scary for me, I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t see anyone else like me, so I kept it a secret because I thought there was something wrong with me and I might get in trouble for it.  But now I know there is nothing wrong with me, some people are just this way, like some people are born left-handed and some people are born gay, I was born transgendered.  As I’ve grown up I’ve seen that boy and girl are not the only options.  When I was little I thought I was a boy.  I realize now I am transgendered.  I am in the middle.  And there are a lot of people like me in the world.

Although I am removing my breasts, I am not trying to “pass” as a man.  You can still call me E, still use female pronouns.  Right now, I am just a person that sees their gender as a little of both, some girl, some boy.  With an all-girl body I feel like a fake, a fraud, and I have always been uncomfortable with it.  Having this surgery will make my outside body fit better with my interior mind.

K is supportive of my decision, and we have been talking about this for a about a year, as I have been discussing this change with my therapist also.  I have good support and feel ready and excited for this change.  It has been a long time coming.

I understand this is a lot to take in, and I want you to know I am here to answer any questions you may have.

I love you,
E

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